Big Mac: A Tragedy in Five Acts
by RebelFaerie
Summary: The great tragedy of Macbeth, doomed King of Scotland, told with all the characters replaced by items from the Dollar Menu. The very definition of a Shakespeare crackfic, but in a fun way.


**Disclaimer-** I do not own _Macbeth_. Actually, since there's doubt over whether William Shakespeare was actually a real person, for all you know I actually do own _Macbeth_... But for the sake of my legal soul, let's go with that I don't.

**A/N-** Okay, so here's the story behind this piece of ridiculousness. My English class last year read _Macbeth_ by William Shakespeare, and a class with less respect for literary works of genius I dare you to find. So of course the thought crossed my friend's and my mind: What if we took _Macbeth_ and replaced all the characters with items from the McDonald's menu? What would happen then? The answer, as you no doubt already knew: absolute ridiculousness. But it amused me for a good three weeks, and was a good review for the test we had to take in that class. Some of us review in different ways than others...

Just a few more points: I'm including a list of characters and who they represent in Shakespeare's original, because while some of them are painfully obvious it might make it a little easier to follow. I've tried to be as faithful to the original as possible, still while having as much fun as possible, so it's an interesting mix. And another thing, I know script formats aren't encouraged on this site, but I tried switching it into prose and it just lost all of its magic. I wound up taking it too seriously, and all of a sudden it was terrible. Report it if your rule-following side feels the need to hand my story over to the authorities, it won't destroy me. I'm just putting it up and seeing what happens.

Anyway, enjoy the product of extreme boredom: _Big Mad: A Tragedy in Five Acts_!

* * *

**Dramatis Personae**

The MacFlurry Sisters- The Weird Sisters

Burger King- King Duncan

Ketchup Packets- Generic servants

(Lady) Big Mac- (Lady) Macbeth

MacChicken- Banquo

(Lady) MacGriddle- (Lady) MacDuff

MacNugget- MacDuf's son

MacDouble- Malcolm

MacCinnaMelts- Donalbain

Hamburgulars- Nameless murderers

Grimace- Hecate

* * *

Big Mac:

A Tragedy in Five Acts

(Note: brevity being the soul of wit, _Big Mac_ has been somewhat abridged)

**Act One**

_(The curtain opens, revealing a windswept moor in the dimness of twilight. Never mind how we managed to get a windswept moor on the stage. Some things are better left unexplained. Maybe the playwright was just that skilled.)_

_Enter MacFlurry Sisters _

MacFlurry Sisters: Where is Big Mac? We have many important things to tell him. Hmmm… Well, I imagine we'll find him at some point during this play…

_(On the other side of the stage, symbolically representing a spot some miles away, enter Ketchup Packet Number One and the Burger King)_

Burger King: How goes the battle, Ketchup Packet?

Ketchup Packet Number One: Marvelously, My Liege Burger King. Except for the Thane of Baconator who scandalously betrayed us in combat and completely disgraced himself. Something must be done about this shame.

Burger King: (_gasps)_ Scandalously betrayed us? How can this be possible?

Ketchup Packet Number One: He caught us by surprise and gave us clogged arteries and a BMI far above the healthy range for ordinarily proportioned adults.

Burger King: But we're Scottish, private. Our arteries are already clogged. We consider haggis to be a food.

Ketchup Packet Number One: Yes, well…

Burger King: Never mind. I shall make Big Mac the Thane of Baconator. Big Mac's a pro. He deserves some kind of shout-out.

_(Exit Burger King and Ketchup Packet Number One. The three MacFlurry sisters cackle ominously as Big Mac and his friend MacChicken enter stage left)_

Big Mac- _(to MacChicken)_ So I said to him, I said, "You can't call yourself a sandwich, you're just two pieces of chicken with bacon inbetween!"

MacChicken- Oh, you told him!

(_Big Mac and MacChicken halt abruptly, having caught sight of the MacFlurry sisters now standing center stage and looming ominously over them)_

Big Mac- Who are you? My eyes would have me believe that you are ice cream, but you are blended so effectively with pieces of Reecee's Peanut Butter Cups and M&M's that I know not what to think.

MacFlurry Sisters- Hail Big Mac, Thane of the Value Menu! Hail, Thane of Baconator! Hail, King that shall be! …Oh, and what's up, MacChicken.

MacChicken- _(unconcerned) _'Sup.

Big Mac- What the French fry…?

_(There is an excellently timed crash of thunder and flash of lightning, facilitated by someone dropping a chair down a flight of stairs and someone else flicking the lights on and off a couple of times. We're on a low budget here. If I was Quentin Tarantino I wouldn't have to deal with stuff like this… As was obviously implied by such unnatural events of nature, the MacFlurry Sisters have vanished in a poof of magic.)_

Big Mac- Where'd they go?

MacChicken- I don't know, but I've got a bad feeling I'm going to get murdered for this…

_(Enter Burger King, royally attended by several Ketchup Packets)_

Burger King- Hey, Big Mac, how'd you like to be Thane of Baconator?

Big Mac- Sweet! Come party at my place so I can kill you, My Liege!

Burger King- What?

Big Mac- _(Deceptively innocent) _What?

Burger King- Never mind. I'll be around in twenty minutes. See you.

_(Exit Burger King)_

MacChicken- Uh… hi, Burger King. Jeez, not even so much as a wave. What am I, shredded poultry?

Big Mac- _(sotto voce)_ Not yet…

MacChicken- What?

Big Mac- _(Deceptively innocent) _What?

MacChicken- Never mind.

_(Exeunt)_

_(Through such magic as the playwright is able to provide, the moor vanishes from the stage, replaced by a decent facsimile of Lady Big Mac's bedchamber. She stands center stage, putting down a letter she has just finished reading.)_

Lady Big Mac- My husband is too pink on the inside to kill Burger King. This is never going to work out. I'm going to have to help him out with this. Too bad I'm a lady burger and am not supposed to feel things like vaulting ambition and evil which no doubt will beget more evil… COME, YOU SPIRITS THAT TEND ON MORTAL THOUGHTS, UNSEX ME NOW!

_(Enter Big Mac, perplexed)_

Big Mac- Have you lost your special sauce, woman?

Lady Big Mac- Er… no. Just having a dramatic moment. I thought we could use a few more. So are you going to kill Burger King?

Big Mac- _(has clearly never thought of this) _What?

Lady Big Mac- What?

Big Mac- Nothing. Let's go to dinner.

Lady Big Mac- Sure. But I think we'll have to talk about this later.

_(Exeunt)_

**Act Two**

_(The curtain opens, revealing an unset stage. The playwright could pretend this was done for dramatic effect, but this would be a pointless pretense as the budget of this play has already been discussed. Enter Big Mac)_

Big Mac- I don't really want to kill Burger King. I mean, he's a nice guy, I guess. He's a little too flame-broiled for my taste, but I don't judge. Besides, I'm not too big on the whole "killing" thing. It's different when you're stabbing six thousand soldiers to death on the battlefield. Killing one guy, when there's no danger to you at all… That's totally another kettle of fish. But I do want to be the king of everything…

_(Enter floating spatula, hanging symbolically up left of Big Mac. If you squint, you can't really see the wires it's suspended from.)_

Big Mac- _(with impressive dramatic flair_) Is this a spatula I see before me, the handle towards my hand? Come, foul spatula. There are kings to flip.

_(Exit Big Mac. From offstage, the sound of sizzling can be heard. In a few moments, re-enter Big Mac, followed by Lady Big Mac.)_

Lady Big Mac- Did you do it?

Big Mac- There is special sauce on my hands! Can you not see the special sauce on my hands?

Lady Big Mac- _(Dismissively) _Oh, calm down, I'll go get you a moist towelette. And while I'm gone, I'll go frame the ketchup packets. I heard they're drunk, it shouldn't be too difficult. You can go back to sleep.

Big Mac- BIG MAC HAS MURDERED SLEEP! SLEEP NO MORE! SLEEP NO MORE! SLEEP SHALL BE SLEPT NO MORE BECAUSE IN THE SLEEPING HOURS OF VIRTUE THE SLEEPING CONSCIENCE OF THE SLEEPING BIG MAC HAS MURDERED SLEEP AND NOW BIG MAC SHALL SLEEP NO MORE!

Lady Big Mac- Okay, if you say "sleep" one more time, I am seriously going to punch you in the face.

Big Mac- Sorry.

_(Enter MacGriddle)_

MacGriddle- What's up, Big Mac? I was just in the neighborhood with my wife and son (both of whom are extremely suceptable to murder, or so I'm told) and thought I'd drop by… Where's Burger King? How's he doing?

Big Mac- _(A little too quickly) _Fantabulous!

MacGriddle- Uh… okay… maybe I'll go in and check on him

_(MacGriddle enters the castle. Which appeared in the set while you were distracted by the action, naturally.)_

Lady Big Mac- Uh-oh…

_(MacGriddle re-enters in considerable distress)_

MacGriddle- Holy polyunsaturated fat, Big Mac, the Burger King's dead!

Big Mac- No. Way. I'm going to go and slay some ketchup packets in my distress.

_(Big Mac exits)_

MacGriddle- Wait, wait, what?

_(Big Mac enters, ketchup-stained)_

MacGriddle- Never mind.

_(Enter MacDouble and MacCinnaMelts, Burger King's sons. As though that was not obvious by their names.)_

MacDouble- Wait. Dad's dead? This is an unfortunate turn of events…

Big Mac- Kill them! They killed the king!

MacCinnaMelts- Oh dear…

_(The king's sons flee)_

All remaining onstage- Burger King is dead! Long live Big Mac!

Lady Big Mac- Mwahahahahahahahaha…

_(Exeunt)_

**Act Three**

_(The curtain rises again on a scene near Big Mac's royal castle. MacChicken is perfectly poised center stage, ready to deliver a soliloquy)_

MacChicken- Well, Big Mac's king now, which is suspicious. Maybe I'll start a line of kings and make his throne worthless, just to mess with him. I think my son MacSnackWrap would appreciate that.

_(Exit MacChicken. Immediately afterward, enter Big Mac and three Hamburglars out of the castle.)_

Big Mac- Kill MacChicken! He's trying to steal my throne!

Hamburgular One- …So?

Big Mac-… And he's a jerk!

Hamburgulars- Oh. Okay then.

_(Battle scene ensues. The Hamburgulars ambush MacChicken and tear him to pieces. MacSnackWrap manages to escape by using the magical powers of his Spicy Southwest Chipotle sauce to their full advantage)_

_(The lights dim, then rise again on a banquet scene in Big Mac's castle. After a few moments of watching inconsequential banquet things going on, the Hamburgulars enter through a side door and approach Big Mac.)_

Hamburgular Two- We've killed MacChicken, My Liege.

Hamburgular Three- However, MacSnackWrap used his powers of wizardry to evade us.

Big Mac- Alas. That's not good. I'll have to deal with this later…

_(Enter ghost of MacChicken. The ghost wanders around for a few minutes, waving its arms around and going "Oooooooooooooooooooooh" in a very ghostly manner, before sitting down at the table in the seat intended for its living counterpart)_

Big Mac- Holy Dollar Menu and the Spirit of Ronald MacDonald! It's the ghost of MacChicken!

Lady Big Mac- Oh, will you pull yourself together? Pretend you've got some angus in you!

Big Mac- I'm one hundred percent angus, but I swear there's a ghost in here!

_(Exit ghost of MacChicken, still waving his arms around and going "Ooooooooooooooooooooooh as he leaves)_

Lady Big Mac- Mm-hmm. Yeah. Right.

Big Mac- You're seeing none of this? It was wandering around waving its arms and going "Ooooooooooooooooooooooooh" in an extremely ghostly manner!

Lady Big Mac- Dear, you need to get in the focus zone. Maybe go and talk to those MacFlurry sisters again. They always gave you such helpful advice. Maybe they could tell you what's up with MacGriddle.

Big Mac- Good idea! I'll do that.

_(The lights dim again, an extremely helpful staging technique for the passage of time that I'm going to use as long as I possibly can. They come up again on the same windswept moor we magically managed to use during the first scene. The MacFlurry sisters are arranged artistically in a semi-circle center stage. After a few moments, Grimace enters, accompanied by suitably dramatic theme music)_

MacFlurry sisters- Hail our leader, Grimace, Goddess of Witchcraft!

Grimace- Come, my minions! Dance with me!

_(MacFlurry Sisters and Grimace dance as the curtain goes down.)_

**Act Four**

_(The curtain rises on the moor again. Grimace, after having fulfilled the apparently sole purpose of appearing for a song and a dance number, has vanished. The three MacFlurry sisters remain surrounding a large cauldron_ _and holding a large number of witch-like items, which they throw into it periodically)_

MacFlurry sisters- Double, double, toil and trouble… assorted other clichéd witch-like phrases… Let's throw some nasty stuff into this cauldron and make a magic potion that will never be used!

Baby Owl- Nooooo! This is not cool! _(He is thrown into the pot and perishes)_

_(Enter Big Mac, looking purposeful and valiant)_

MacFlurry Sisters- Big Mac's coming this way!

Big Mac- You guys had best be giving me some answers! For real. Who are you?

MacFlurry Sister One- Um… We are the ghosts of Christmas past!

MacFlurry Sister Two- And Christmas present!

MacFlurry Sister Three- And Christmas future! Oooooooooooh!

Big Mac- …But it's March…

MacFlurry Sisters- Um…. Oooooooooooh!

Big Mac- Whatever. Prophesize unto me!

MacFlurry Sisters- Beware MacGridle! But no dollar menu item born of the deep fryer can harm you, and you shall not be vanquished until Birnam Wood comes to your castle drive-through!

_(Exit MacFlurry sisters with another bolt of lightning)_

Big Mac- Oh. Cool! Well, I think I'll go pillage MacGriddle's castle. Since they told me to beware of him, provoking him sounds like a good idea. Plus, his wife and son are extremely susceptible to murder, or so I hear.

_(Exit. The scene changes to the front hall of MacGriddle's castle. Enter the extremely susceptible to murder Lady MacGriddle and her son MacNugget.)_

Lady MacGriddle- I wish I wasn't so susceptible to murder. That would make Big Mac's imminent approach much easier to deal with.

MacNugget- I wish I had more lines…

_(Enter Hamburgulars, brandishing swords and accompanied by the main theme from Pirates of the Caribbean- Curse of the Black Pearl)_

Hamburgulars- Avast, ye fast-food items who are so susceptible to murder! _(They slay Lady MacGriddle and MacNugget)_

_(The scene changes to MacGriddle and MacDouble, Burger King's oldest son, having a lovely philosophical chat in the wilderness.)_

MacDouble- So Big Mac killed your wife and kid, huh? Now what?

MacGriddle- Big Mac! That tyrannical punk! I'm gonna hit him so hard his seseme seeds will fall off! This should really end with a heroic couplet or something, but I'm far too lost in my righteous distress to care about poetic conventions!

_(Exeunt)_

**Act Five**

_(The scene opens, revealing a split stage. Stage left portrays the parapet of Big Mac's royal castle, while stage right shows the woods outside. Somehow it is made clear that there is not a forest growing in Big Mac's royal parapet, but that tool is not made clear. Enter Lady Big Mac stage left and MacGriddle, MacDouble, and numerous Ketchup Packets stage right.)_

Lady Big Mac- _(Sleepwalking)_ Out, damned spot! Out!

_(Lady Big Mac whips out her handy-dandy Tide-To-Go Pen and gets that damned spot out)_

Lady Big Mac- Alas, I still feel terrible for all these murders! And I must express this through sleepwalking! And speaking in strangely rhyming phrases that are still in iambic pentameter, even though I am asleep! Alas! Alas! Alas!

_(Exit Lady Big Mac. She is immediately replaced by Big Mac stage left)_

_(Meanwhile, on the right side of the stage…)_

MacGriddle- Let us march to Big Mac's drive-thru!

MacDouble- Sounds good!

_(Stage left, a Ketchup Packet rushes in towards Big Mac)_

Ketchup Packet- My Liege Big Mac, an army's on its way!

Big Mac- Really. Oh. Well, poo.

_(Stage right)_

MacGriddle- Are we really still marching? We've been doing this forever…

MacDouble- Let's take some branches from Birnam Wood with us and play with them on the way!

MacGriddle- Oh goody! Maybe we can have a puppet show or something!

_(Stage left, another Ketchup Packet runs onstage)_

Second Ketchup Packet- Your wife killed herself, My Liege Big Mac!

Lady Big Mac- _(offstage)_ Oh yeah. Right. _(Lady Big Mac kills herself)_

Big Mac- This is really not turning out how I planned….

First Ketchup Packet- And the army is still marching. I suggest you do something about it, My Liege. It looks like they brought Birnam Wood to your drive-through. _[aside]_ Maybe they'll put on a puppet show…

Big Mac- _(distraught) _What? Well, at least I can kill some irrelevant bystanders in the meantime, since I'm good at that…

_(At last, the two sides of the stage converge as the army reaches Big Mac's drive-through. Hordes of ketchup packets spill into the royal castle.)_

Big Mac- I CANNOT BE VANQUISHED! _(kills irrelevant bystanders)_

MacGriddle- I CAN VANQUISH THEE, BIG MAC!

_(The playwright decides for the sake of brevity to stop typing in all caps, but it's still implied)_

Big Mac- No you can't, you punk! No dollar menu item born of the deep fryer may vanquish me! It has been foretold!

MacGriddle- Ah, but you forget that I, MacGridle, have had my warm syrupy hotcake goodness baked into my calorie-rich makeup, not fried!

Big Mac- Noooo! It can't be possible!

MacGriddle- Die, angus scum!

_(MacGriddle and Big Mac have a long drawn-out swordfight, at the end of which MacGriddle slays Big Mac. Somewhere in the distance, Grimace has started to sing "Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead.")_

MacDouble- Nice going, MacGriddle! We all hated Big Mac and his nasty wife! Now I can be king!

MacGriddle- _[Aside] _This seems a little unfair, seeing as how I did all the work…

All Who Remain Alive- Long live MacDouble! Long live Scotland!

_(Final curtain)_


End file.
